Friday, June 24, 2005
Shinola!
In the Beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance and the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke among themselves, saying “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth, “It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, Such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them, “It promotes growth and is very powerful,”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular.”
And the President looked upon The Plan, and saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens.
More words of wisdom from Skyline!
A TEXAN’S GUIDE TO LIFE
Crisis management principle:
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is is a whole lot easier
‘n
puttin’ it back.
Negotiation principle: Never drop yer gun to hug a
grizzly.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back
every now
and then to make sure it’s still there.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some
influence,
try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
A good horse never comes in a bad color.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good
he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came
along and shot him. The moral:
When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither
one works.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do
is stop
diggin’.
Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of
sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a
person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to
have it thrown around by somebody else.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat.
It’s not so important to know what it is,
but you might need to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
over
and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men:
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
for themselves.
Thanks Pam
For Male Cooks Only!
(Women already know these things
instinctively...)
................................
Eggs. When something starts pecking its way out of
the shell, the egg
is probably past its prime.
Dairy Products. Milk is spoiled when it looks like
yogurt. Yogurt is
spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is
spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can’t get more
spoiled than it
already is. Well, it can, but it rarely gets that
far. You can
always cut off the fur coat it grows.
Meat. If opening the refrigerator causes stray animals
to congregate
outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce. This is spoiled when you can’t get it off the
bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
Carrots. A carrot that you can tie in a knot is not
fresh.
Chinese Food. If the carton must be cut away to remove
the contents,
suspect it!
Potatoes. Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches,
or dense leafy
undergrowth.
Canned Goods. Any canned good that has become the
shape or size of a
basketball should be removed from the premises. Wear a
helmet.
Mayonnaise. If eating it makes you violently ill,
mayonnaise is
spoiled.
Artichokes. Discard these when the points have become
as tightly
furled as porcupine quills.
Flour. Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
Raisins. These should not be harder than your teeth.
Wine. It should not taste like salad dressing.
Chip Dip. If you can take it out of its container and
bounce it on
the floor, it has gone bad.
Unidentified Items. Tupperware containers should not
burp when
opened.
Rule of Thumb. Most food cannot be kept longer than
the average life
span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your
refrigerator to gauge this.