Saturday, July 16, 2005
A Little Confession!
The past few weeks have brought a change in how I handle the day to day things that crop up. The anger I feel is just below the surface of every thing I do. I react very negatively to suggestions and corrections. I find my jaws and head hurting because I clench my teeth continually. I pass a mirror or my reflection in a window and see only furrowed brow and drawn down lips. I feel the urge to cry, then to get angry, and the stress builds and a headache appears.
When I have a chore to do I do it. But I don’t feel the need to do the little extra things that cry for attention. There are times when all I want is to lay down and sleep. I’m not hungry but when I do sit down to eat it is either I clean the plate or I get a knot in my stomach and want to throw up.
I miss my kids but I don’t want to deal with them right now. My poor husband is almost beside himself because he is afraid to comment on anything for fear I’ll get angry or hurt. I try to say something to him and he always replies what and then I have to start over. That makes me angry and I can’t get my idea out because I’m so upset. If I misspeak he tries to tell me what he thinks I’m trying to say and I get angrier.
What is wrong with me I keep thinking.. I know I’m worried because the glaucoma diagnosis but the treatment for that is scheduled for the first two weeks of August and it no big deal. I know that an appointment with my ear doctor is coming up the end of this month and I have some concern about that. But none of this should have thrown me for a loop. I ache but I did before. My arms and legs are giving out and that makes me angry.
I used to say I don’t want an apron belly or arms that look like I’m carrying huge sausages but I have them. I said I didn’t mind getting old I just wanted to be able to get around and accomplish some of the things I have always done. But this ability is slipping away on me and I hate it!
I have even gotten to the point where I find it difficult to communicate with you my friends. I know I’m going to have to reach up and grab the edge of the rut I have fallen into and pull myself out. It is just that it seems so hard to extend myself.
So if you can stick with me I’ll give it a try!
